@TheTweetOfGod: Media, stop using the phrase 'breaking news'. It's been broken for some time now.
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@P1ssed_K1d: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
@stevevsninjas: HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maître D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
@BooFricketyHoo: Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
@daemonic3: [having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!