@TheTweetOfGod: Media, stop using the phrase 'breaking news'. It's been broken for some time now.
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@Fart_Bringer: "U put on suntan lotion?" "No" "Youll get sunburned!" *sun descends, his voice echoes loudly* "NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?"
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit
@caliluvgirl77: If you slowly put your fingers in someone's mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.