MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
You Might Also Like
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
found this cool rock hiking today
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
In case you needed to hear it:
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.