MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
the answer was staring at me all along
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”