date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*me flirting