Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
handsome & gretel
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.