Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you