Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”