Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
You Might Also Like
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
#gardening
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]