It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
This is a bad sign
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
this isn’t threatening at all
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?