Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not