Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift