[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
wow
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that