Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Herpes is trending, good job people
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.