Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My daily affirmation
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.