My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.