@grifteezy: Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature
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@zacharyflynn: If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
@4handfuls: My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first...
@WheelTod: My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard