Was it something I said?
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me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.