@juliussharpe: Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
@WilliamRodgers: The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it... I'm gonna miss that baby...
@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir. Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.