@juliussharpe: Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
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@pixelatedboat: Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he's the world's most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I "ruined your son's birthday party"?
@InternetHippo: GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We— [pug walks by] GOD: What…the HELL…is that
@panmidwest: [first date] HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose? ME: definitely my ability to see dead people. HER:
@sozjalltheway: Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.