@juliussharpe: Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
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@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"
@TheToddWilliams: [desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
@SaltyCorpse: I'm gonna start writing all my tweets in cursive so my kids can't read them when I'm dead.