@juliussharpe: Meet your girlfriend's brother then realize you're screwing the female version of a guy.
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@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
@theshamingofjay: I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
@DirtMcTurd: One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
@djdarrellripley: Her: I'm sorry my baby keeps crying. He's got teeth coming in. Me: Well, don't worry, I'll sign for them...