I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Succinctly put.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Ah yes. The three genders
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd