She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Every haunted house movie:
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy