Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
You Might Also Like
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.