[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended