[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Just why bro?!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.