[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules