[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Why is everyone getting married at me
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.