[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
s
oc
i
a
l
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.