10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
same vibe as tangled headphones
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.