I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The USS B port
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My blood type is coffee.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets