[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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Birds & Planes.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything