[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Flowers bee like
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.