[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
But I really needed water water water
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love