*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I hope Alan is OK
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.