*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother