[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
reviewed some movies recently
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.