losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You Might Also Like
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.