[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
happy friday
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Battery falling down a hole
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.