Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button