My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.