My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When I said I liked it rough.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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