[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?