[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy