[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
You Might Also Like
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Reporter: *ports again*