[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.