If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out