*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating