[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
much to think about
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My life coach traded me.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.