[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
every single time
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
this has to be peak English
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
This is my favorite one of these!
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.