[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.