[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Can Happiness buy money?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face