[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”