*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?